By Michael Dayan, PhD RCC CCC
In my relationship work, I frequently observe strained dynamics when one or both partners exhibit ADHD-related behaviours. I seek to promote a comprehensive and collaborative approach — grounded in empathy, clear communication, and practical supports — to help partners build understanding and lasting connection.
I believe, to this end, psychoeducation lays the essential foundation. When I teach couples about ADHD as a neurodevelopmental condition rather than a personal failing, empathy inevitably grows. And doing so allows partners to reframe missteps — like being forgetful or blurting impulsive comments — as symptoms. This shift consistently reduces blame, cultivates patience, and opens space for cooperative problem-solving.
Enhancing communication is key to gaining relationship stability. In my practice, couples often benefit from structured exercises. Here are a few examples:
John Gottman’s 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, which offsets cycles of criticism
Active-listening techniques and “I-feel” statements that foster mutual understanding
Daily gratitude exercises to strengthen emotional bonds and rebuild neural pathways for connection
I encourage brief daily “check-in” rituals to ensure they have clarity and alignment. These ADHD-friendly check-ins are meant to be agenda-driven, concise, and supplemented with written notes. In addition to being on the same page, co-creating external supports and routines, such as shared calendars and task checklists, can address challenges like time blindness and disorganization and ultimately support harmonious outcomes. Clients who struggle with household management benefit from capacity-based chore negotiation. Such conflict generally subsides when tasks are allocated according to each partner’s strengths and follow-through ability.
Because emotional regulation may be challenging in these relationships, I teach practices like mindfulness and paced breathing to quickly lower limbic arousal. I help each partner recognize their personal escalation cues and practice “stop-and-think” techniques or calming mantras, so they can interrupt reactive cycles and restore balance between emotion and reason. Rather than suppressing impulsivity, I seek to show couples how to redirect spontaneity and energy into meaningful engagement. Over time, impulsivity may become an asset as couples learn to try differently rather than to try harder.
I support a collaborative approach that equips couples to navigate ADHD’s challenges with empathy and practical support. This approach begins with psychoeducation — reframing forgetfulness or impulsivity as symptoms rather than personal failings — and extends into daily check-ins, positive interactions, and gratitude exercises that rebuild connection. Structured tools like shared calendars, task checklists, and capacity-based chore negotiations address executive-function gaps and reduce resentment. When conflicts arise, mindfulness, paced breathing, and “stop-and-think” mantras help partners interrupt reactive cycles and restore balance. Together, these strategies may transform chronic frustration into empathy, cooperation, and sustained intimacy. Ultimately, nurturing the relationship is paramount and a spirit of positivity may fuel connection.