In part one of this major life transitions series I mention the move to uncertainty, where people report feeling unable to recognize who or what they once were and uncertain about where they are going or who they are becoming. To enter the unknown is a necessary component of major life transition. This is a difficult and often painful moment. I work with clients who often feel disoriented as new coping strategies and unknown sources of courage must be summoned is required to move through it. Clients often surprise themselves.
James Hollis, a psychoanalyst who has written on the midlife passage, argues that growth happens when we confront and “bear what has been perceived as unbearable.” He normalizes the associated angst when he refers to it as the “price of the ticket to life.” Such moments of transition, when we experience a fundamental separation from the familiar, ultimately provoke us to consider the deeply ingrained “existential anxiety” about our own mortality. And in this confrontation we better distinguish who we are, what we value, and what is personally meaningful and significant.
Although we inherently are driven to avoid pain we must, whenever possible, dive into our suffering. I know suffering is borne of pain but I don’t believe all suffering is bad. In my work as a therapist and my observations on life I have learned the importance of tuning into the suffering and exploring its lessons. The suffering associated with transitioning from the familiar to the terrifying unknown is fundamentally our catalyst for growth and meaning. Viktor Frank, drawing from his experiences in concentration camps, concluded that even in the most extreme suffering, one can find meaning and personal growth by choosing one’s attitude and how one bears the burden. Every day I see my clients find their wisdom when they make meaning of their suffering.
Hollis writes of the importance of letting go of the ego’s agenda of security and comfort to ask “not what I, the ego consciousness, want, but what the soul wants.” This formula that beings with profound introspection, humility, and courage brings about the actions required for significant outer change and reorientation. This process of accepting and moving through suffering is what allows for the emergence of new possibilities.